The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner

The Wenlock and Mandeville Variety Hour

2010-05-19T15:35:00.000-07:00

Wenlock and Mandeville was a briefly popular 1970s variety show starring a pair of marginally talented pop stars who did mime and topical skits and sang almost-folk songs. Their only hit reached number 12 in 1976, 'Disco Sinatra', when they had dropped the folky pretense and put a Sinatra medley to a depressing Disco beat.

The show was subsequently cancelled, and Mandeville was later convicted of embezzlement from the unitarian church where he worked as an office manager. Following release from prison, he took up work at a dude ranch in Montana, and became a master at fly fishing using a guitar, duct tape, and carrots.

Wenlock became famous again as 'Wacky Wenlock' the children's songwriter, whose performances before maniacal throngs of the newly-continent set were accompanied by giant whales, rainbows, and fluffy bears.

However, the hit song Give The Dog A Bone soon came under attack for its double-entendre title, fueled by a photograph of Wenlock coming out of a peep show in 1983. At that point, his second career was over.

His current whereabouts are unknown, but Minneapolis residents swear they hear strains of his trademark tune Itchy Palms in the downtown skyways each November.

Recipe for Morels

2010-04-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

(1) Place the flour on a dish and roll the morel pieces in it until they are completely coated.

(2) ’Twas brillig, and the slithy tove
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe.

(3) Set the corner or end post first. Then stretch a line from each corner or end post to align all the posts in between.

(4) Duck and cover. Feeds two.

Sequel to "The Bodyguard" on hiatus

2010-04-09T05:36:00.000-07:00

Whitney Houston's comeback tour shows the rehab went a little overboard.

Headline: "Tigers' offense slowed by Mayo"

2010-04-09T05:18:00.000-07:00

I wonder if Elin Woods ever thought of that.

How to use a baby balloon.

2009-07-08T18:26:00.000-07:00

Once you have fully inflated the infant, attach the string and let it slowly float upward.

Try holding two or three at a time for effect.

Billie Jean

2009-06-26T09:41:00.000-07:00

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Billie Jean

2009-06-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Billie Jean

2009-06-26T09:27:00.000-07:00

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one

But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

The Bee's Knees

2009-06-25T05:27:00.000-07:00

Offering proof, were it needed, that the bee's knees has an asymptotic limit, or may reflect a more simple supply-demand function.

Sometimes two is too many.

Happy Easter

2009-06-23T05:27:00.000-07:00

A moment later, she was gone.

Their Greatest Hits

2009-06-23T05:10:00.000-07:00

Now available in stores, the song stylings of Geraldine and her sweatered puppet Ricky. She has a lovely voice and her ventriloquist duets are sublime.

My personal favorites are their versions of "Mockingbird" and "Afternoon Delight". You'll think he's alive. Really.

Rip Van Winkle's Tattoos

2009-06-19T04:46:00.000-07:00

And when Rip Van Winkle finally woke up twenty years later, he rubbed his eyes and saw that he was covered in tattoos from head to toe. But little did he know that fashions in the glen had changed so dramatically from earlier times.

No longer were skulls and dragons and fire and buxom babes the pride of men and ladies alike, but instead the text from favorite quotes, long speeches, and even entire books were now preferred. Oddly, all were done in Comic Sans font.

Starting on his forehead, and cascading to his toes, were inscribed in multicolor hues the The Beatles biography, complete with song lyrics.

Only on discovering where the footnotes were placed did his senses become overpowered, and soon he was tempted to imbibe the draught; and though he reiterated his visits to the flagon often, he quaffed the liquor in profound silence. "Who are 'the Beatles'?", he wondered.

The Age of Aquarius

2009-06-18T05:50:00.000-07:00

The chief astrologer for Belgium's Alternative Medicine Division soon found that Kimberley Vlaeminck's tattoos served as an able and handy reference.

The fate of Apollo 13

2009-06-05T04:33:00.000-07:00

James A. Lovell, Mission Commander of Apollo 13 , recently recalled an altercation with Command Module Pilot John L. Swigert, Jr during the dramatic 1970 space flight. Said Lovell,

"About a day into the mission, Swigert started eyeing me strangely. You know, licking his lips and all. Finally I asked him what the hell was wrong, was he sick or something? For about 10 minutes he just kept saying "mmmmmmm ....pancakes".

He didn't stop until I hit him with my helmet. I'd forgotten all about it because of the loss of the oxygen and all on the second day. We never spoke about it since. But I still won't sit next to him at reunion functions. No way."

It finally dawned on her.

2009-06-04T04:53:00.001-07:00

Mrs. Reagan finally realized it.

"Oh my God. My astrologer warned me about this. It's Lillith!

Help.

Me.

Pleeeease."

At the Civic Center this week

2009-06-01T04:41:00.000-07:00

The Butter Pat Association will be meeting at the Rochester Civic center main auditorium this week, from Wednesday through Friday.

Scheduled talks include:

Foil wrappings: Savior or menace?
New developments in butter pat patters
Shaped butter pats: not just for kids!

Visitors welcome.

Sample butter pats available.

Handbaskets in Hell

2009-05-29T06:36:00.001-07:00

Hell has many convenient handbaskets available for going there.

In assorted colors.

Boredom now Mechanized

2009-05-29T06:03:00.001-07:00

This High Precision Boring Machine is the latest advancement in boredom. It completely automates the production of boring speeches, sermons, and books. A generic 'default bore' makes for ready use, but it can also be personalized. Recent updates include the ability to adopt the boring traits of prominent speakers and writers. The "Al Gore" template is especially effective when combined with PowerPoint.

Currently on sale for $2,198.

New in Children's Gifts

2009-05-29T05:25:00.001-07:00

For that next children's birthday party, consider the excitement of an exotic pet. A seven year old girl would love to have an armadillo of her very own. Cuddly and playful, armadillos enjoy being dressed up, and can be taken for walks, just like a dog. They don't bite, but have a curious tendency to burst into flames when exposed to classical music.

Prices vary, but expect to pay around $3 or $4 for a younger one, a little more if it has all its limbs.

Ask Mr. Fix-It

2009-05-29T04:50:00.000-07:00

Repairing a desk lamp can be tricky. Remove the jar and base, taking care to avoid the blades. Turn the drive stud one quarter turn counter-clockwise, and disconnect the seal. Discard any wires or pieces that do not seem essential. Randomly place black electrical tape around various metal parts. Repeatedly press the Multispeed switch buttons. Now, replace the jar and base.

Screw in a new light bulb, and you're ready to go!

Religions of the World

2009-05-28T20:29:00.000-07:00

The Austrian-based sect known as The Frumptastics has remained with its original five members, pictured here. Their core belief centers on the divine value of long-running Broadway plays, all sung in Gregorian chant style. Their production of CATS closed recently after a two-week run. A spartan version of RENT is currently in the works.

Teach your children well

2009-05-28T20:24:00.000-07:00

"See? The blood comes right out! Now to hide the remains."

Shocking statistic

2009-05-28T20:06:00.000-07:00

According to a recent study, more than half of this chart is yellow, while almost one-third is green. Puzzled scientists have blamed global warming.

New in Children's Books

2009-05-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

From "The Maloctopus Under the Bed"

page 32

and just before it swallowed Timmy whole, the big blue maloctopus whispered, "After I finsih with you, I'm coming to get whoever is reading this."

The End.

"Proud non-reader" Kanye West turns author

2009-05-28T04:43:00.000-07:00

Rapper Kanye West does not read books but he has written one. This is a small collection of his sayings, or "Kanye-isms," just topping 50 pages, counting a few blank ones. Examples from the book Thank You and You're Welcome include:

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed."
"My music isn't just music - it's medicine."
"The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible? "
"“I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go… I’m like a machine. I’m a robot. "
"I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"
“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
"My misery is your pleasure.”
“Due to what has happened so severely when the red shoes hit the runway, I was forced to change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr. Address me as such”

Price $12.95. No refunds.

Motorcycle charity ride planned

2009-05-28T04:30:00.000-07:00

The Ronald McDonald transplant house announced its 7th annual Motorcycle Charity Ride for Liver Transplants, on June 22nd.

Donor cards will be available.

City Council replaced by sixth graders, unnoticed

2009-05-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

On September 22, 2008, sixth graders at Ethel Rosenberg Grade School took over the Rochester City Council chambers for Youth Legislature Day. Due to a snafu, the real City Council never resumed their seats, and the sixth graders continued to preside. This went undiscovered until February 2009, during the Governor's visit to the city.

Interestingly, during their tenure, taxes were reduced, a labor dispute was resolved, and a developer's lawsuit was averted. Acting City Council President Emma Suledant, 11, said, "Plus, we had cookies at every meeting. With sprinkles."

Gardening Tips

2009-05-27T05:47:00.000-07:00

A goat can be an eco-friendly alternative to a lawn mower, although teaching it to drive is tricky. However, they often simply refuse to use walk-behind mowers, even the self-propelled type, due to trouble pulling the starter.

Hitler, photobomber

2009-05-27T05:10:00.000-07:00

Unable to avoid inserting himself into every possible situation, Adolf here wrecks a children's birthday party photograph.

Religions Across the World

2009-05-27T04:50:00.001-07:00

The Church of Walt is a rare pagan sect located primarily in Florida and parts of California, the site of two meagachurches. Worship services elsewhere are often conducted in private homes. The core belief is that a rodent came to existence in 1928 in order to bring wholesome family fun to the middle class.

Church members often dress like their favorite saints, as pictured above, or wear their images on t-shirts and watches. An early prophet, Oswald, is largely forgotten, and considered by some adherents the anti-Mouse. At both megachurches, children are initiated through several mechanized lessons, such as giant tea cups that rotate, the lesson of which is "it's a small world after all."

Ask Mr. Fix-It

2009-05-27T04:17:00.000-07:00

Q. How do I fix a broken computer DVD drive?

A. First, remove the DVD drive with a pliers and crowbar. Place the new DVD drive grommet into the anvil hole and add the grommet washer over it. Next, strike it with a small hammer, but not too hard! Place the DVD back into the PC. Use super glue if you have damaged any of the internal plastic tabs.

Now you're ready to watch movies again on the PC!

Ask Mr. Ask-It Man

2009-05-26T15:14:00.000-07:00

Mr. Ask-It Man: What do I do if my neighbors are shooting death rays at me?

1) Call the cops.

2) Find some alumnium foil.

Send your questions to "Mr. Ask-It Man" care of this blog.

New Supreme Court Justice?

2009-05-26T14:52:00.000-07:00

With the upcoming reitrement of Justice Souter (front and second from left), speculation about his replacement was confirmed today with the nomination of wise latino golfer Lee Trevino.

Discovery near Custer, South Dakota

2009-05-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

While rock climbing in South Dakota, Ramon Harper and friends made a dramatic discovery. Rapelling down the side of a hill in the Badlands, they were astonished to find themselves on a massive ancient stone carving, previously unknown to the world. There appeared to be four such heads, indicating extensive and complex stone work.

Although there have been rumours of this giant carving going back decades, this sculpture was largely lost to the world until now.

Gardening Tips

2009-05-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

Today's Gardening tip comes from Valerie in Bloomington:

Valerie writes: "For dealing with a garden zombie infestation, a large spade to the head is often all that you need, but for the larger or more aggressive zombies, a revolver or automatic pistol is better. Be prepared to unload an entire clip, and remember to aim for the brain.

Take care to re-bury the zombie in the same spot it arose, or else a big depression is left, which can be hard to fill in."

Send your gardening tips care of this blog.

Physics, final exam

2009-05-26T13:12:00.000-07:00

A photon has J of energy. Planck’s constant, h, is J Â· s. The frequency of the photon is most nearly:
	(A) Hz
	(B) Hz
	(C) Go to hell.
	(D) OMG, I forgot to study!!11!!!!1!
	(E) Isn't this Algebra II?

English test

2009-05-26T12:52:00.000-07:00

To Kill A Mockingbird, final exam

17. When Scout says "One time he said you never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them. Just standing on the Radley porch was enough", She means:

a) He's a nice guy, murdering Bob Ewell and all, but damn, get off that porch!

b) Boo Radley had nice shoes.

c) She has at last ssumed another person's perspective sympathetically.

d) I didn't get this far in the book.

Things to Do After The Murder

2009-05-26T12:23:00.000-07:00

Not in any specific order, mind you.

Local Events

2009-05-26T09:55:00.000-07:00

The 15th Annual Charity basketball game got off to a slow start as the Rochester Police team refused to field only five players, but the Women's Jaycees took advantage of the delay and managed to put in 22 points before the policemen even began playing defense.

The final score was 72-22, however, Police prevailing. After the starting five Jaycee women were arrested for unnamed offenses, the ladies did not score a further point.

Religions Across the World

2009-05-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

Judas, front left, always preferred white at Roman crucifixions. Peter, right, denied knowing anything about anything.

New in Children's Books

2009-05-26T09:27:00.001-07:00

page 18

And the very next day, Star Baby was loaded into the rocket and shot into space, never to be seen again. He was not, in fact, Superman, as his Mommy and Daddy had hoped, but just a normal baby. Just like his previous sister, Mermaid Baby.

After about a month, his room was painted over and turned into a study.

The End

Modern Man

2009-05-26T08:48:00.000-07:00

Mr. Hammersmith contemplates his ceiling fish and wonders, "Where have I gone wrong?"

Zen and the Art of Basketball Playing

2009-05-26T06:43:00.001-07:00

The members of Hempfield's 5th grade basketball squad, shown here in happier times, was arrested for a third time this season for various drug offenses. Once again caught selling marijuana during half time, the boys were rounded up and taken to Juvenile Hall in a van.

The game unfinished, rival ballers from Concrete County were awarded the win, but were also arrested for making illegal purchases. Coach Arlen Rollyerone quipped, "We may never win, but we always have the high score."

The Origins of Everyday Items

2009-05-26T05:17:00.000-07:00

The original electric razors were based on the cutting abilities of broken glass, which had unfortunate outcomes for early adopters of this novel concept. Widespread recalls and mounting legal bills shelved the endeavor until the modern idea for a foil cover over layered metal bands came into use.

Business Management Tips

2009-05-26T05:06:00.001-07:00

Dealing with office malcontents, passive-aggressives, sociopaths, and assholes can be among the biggest challenges that managment faces. This new book by managment guru Peter Drucker is just the thing to improve your results with the difficult employee.

The Origins of Everyday Items

2009-05-26T04:50:00.000-07:00

"The inital design for Viagra was pretty much a failure," said Pfizer spokesman Leet Kroner. "It took another 25 years of research to perfect it." Pictured here is lead investigator Dr. Ralph Priapism, demonstrating early results.

New Diet: Laughter Sheds Excess Pounds

2009-05-26T04:16:00.000-07:00

Velma Whitworth, 58, of rural Chasooga, reported a dramatic 789 pound weight loss over the course of two years, all from laughing. "I laugh all day", she told reporters, as her husband scowled mournfully in the distance, "mostly at him."

Asked for comment, Mr. Alvin Whitworth added, "She don't tell ya she lost all that altogether. She done gained back 822 pounds in all. She may be laughin', but...." Following a brief scuffle, Mr. Whitworth was treated in the Mercy Emergency Room for lacerations to the scalp. The reporters were uninjured.

Velma, currently released on her own recognizance, will be addressing the Chasooga Ladies Auxiliary about her remarkable new diet.

New feminist James Bond Thriller

2009-05-25T18:37:00.000-07:00

Are Women Human?, is a new James Bond thriller by feminist author Catharine A. MacKinnon.

"M," head of the British Diversity Service, hands Bond what appears on the surface to be a posh assignment: thwarting an enemy Russian spy, Le Chiffre, in his attempt to revitalize the misogynist European culture by the De-Ovulator, a device that inverts queer theory through a postmodern laser, thereby lowering awareness of textuality, feminist pedagogy, and women's way of knowing, undoing decades of feminist progress. Bond intervenes, in his continuing efforts to to disrupt the functioning of hegemonic masculinity.

The Hotel Carlton, staff photo

2009-05-25T18:25:00.000-07:00

Rochester's Hotel Carlton is famous for being staffed entirely by second-graders. From carrying luggage to prompt maid service, these seven and eight-year-olds are the model of efficiency.

This year, they boast David, Daryl, Dan, Derek, and Bill Lorax, identical quintuplets from Olmsted county's recent controversial state mental hospital experiments.

Business Management Tips

2009-05-25T17:46:00.000-07:00

When firing large groups of people, get straight to the point.

Here we see the CEO informing the divisional leaders of the layoff strategy at McWhirter Abcess, Inc. For employees who still don't get the picture, it is advised to sneak up on the worker and use chloroform. Once they are unconscious, they can be pulled out to the street and left at the curb, or placed immediately into the shredder. The latter choice offers secondary savings from reduced paperwork. They can simply be recorded as "missing".

Band Camp at Cardiac Medical High School

2009-05-25T16:08:00.000-07:00

The 2005 Cardiac High School Band Camp.

Cardiac High is the first Medical School for teenagers in the nation. All band instruments are made from surgical tools, medical waste, and autopsy remains. Said participant Sheila Halfbreed, "This year was more fun, because we didn't have to do the actual autopsies ourselves. I still have the flute I made from the maxillary sinuses last year, though. It's got a great sound."

The Cardiac High band performs at all JV football games. Attendees are asked to bring their own masks.

New Kid's Books at the Public Library

2009-05-25T15:52:00.000-07:00

Added to the children's section at the Rochester library is "Hell", by Cathy Void, a tale of lust, revenge, and arson among an evil clique of first-graders. Chosen as the 2007 Newberry Award winner for Diversity selections, "Hell" has been hailed as an "instant classic" by the Nation and the Minneapolis Star Tribune.

Bad Ideas

2009-05-25T15:26:00.000-07:00

New this fall!

Father O'Leary's boy's boxers and underpants.

For that Catholic feel .

All sizes.

2007 Distribution of Belief in "Tabitha the Goddess of Clean Socks"

2009-05-24T08:21:00.000-07:00

Compiled by the US Department of Approved Belief Systems, sec. 307c

Sven's Tale, Page 22

2009-05-24T08:04:00.000-07:00

Even though he was grateful for the help of the Rabbit, the Swan, and the Bear in defeating the Evil Wood Troll, Sven carved them all into small pieces and returned home to feed his wife and three children.

The End.

Free on Bail

2009-05-24T07:17:00.001-07:00

John Swenson, pictured here, was mistakenly arrested Friday as part of the recent Rochester Prostitution Task Force sting operation. His inflatable massage chair was erroneously thought to be a prostitute. Swenson, out on $10,000 bond, had initially admitted guilt. Informed that charges were to be fully dismissed next week, he said, "I can fully understand the mistake. It's a really comfortable chair."

Broken glass jello

2009-05-24T06:59:00.000-07:00

Helen McClay of northern Bueller county was detained briefly for questioning following the unfortunate results from her donation to the St. Francis Fall Festival dessert table. The five affected parishioners are expected to recover fully.

Socialist Realism

2009-05-23T08:29:00.000-07:00

Translation: I Dreamed I Fought the Capitalists in My Maidenform Bra.

2009-05-23T08:13:00.000-07:00

The Rochester MN elite Parking Task Force rushes to the scene, where a parking meter with a 1984 Volvo 245 DL was found to have just turned to the red "expired" flag.

Within 30 seconds of the violation, the crack squad was on the case. Here, they are just about to throw surprised car owner Betsy Newberg to the ground as she hurriedly attempts to feed the meter her last few quarters. Said PTF Division chief Dent Moford, "Parking is essential to public safety."

Not just heartburn, either

2009-05-23T07:51:00.000-07:00

Dolf Tendgren, electrical inspector and part-time lounge singer, just moments before bursting into flames in the county's sixth case of Spontaneous Human Combustion. He had in fact sensed something was horribly wrong, but mistakenly thought he had merely left the garage door open.

North Dakota, just before the Great Divide

2009-05-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

Seconds after touching the two wires together, young Philip Madison braces for the impending blast that will split North Dakota into six equally divided sections, which he will rule with an iron fist. North East Dakota, commonly called Permafrost, became the new government's center for six years, but was abandoned entirely after the silo sex scandal of 2029.

Soon to be inseparable

2009-05-23T06:56:00.000-07:00

Elise and Dagmar Sobieski will be the world's first fraternal twins to undergo a controversial new surgical procedure making them into conjoined twins. In the process, they will be sewn together at the abdomen, and one liver will be removed, at considerable risk.

Said Brigham and Women's head surgeon Cooper Dalrymple, "It's a living".

Epiphany

2009-05-23T06:47:00.001-07:00

University of Minnesota sophomore Cia Timon considers for the first time using the sled to go down the hill.

Zenith

2009-05-23T06:41:00.000-07:00

Little do Zach and David know that it does not, in fact, get any better than this.

Where it all began

2009-05-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

Famed internet troll tag team Loren Hsu and Mike Zbigniew point to the spot where they first conceived of trolling Althouse.

Said Zbigniew (right), "We were lying there, staring up at the driver's side rear bumper, when it struck me that I could finally troll on Instapundit ...through a back door." Longtime friend Hsu added, "I like to type with my toes."

Where Trolls come from

2009-05-23T06:15:00.000-07:00

Proud graduate of Boston's famed Kyger Litor School for Internet Trolls.

The 'Basement Living' course decisively separated the wheat from the chaff.

First place!

2009-05-23T05:56:00.000-07:00

Days long past. 1961.

These Plainview 5th Graders show off their trophy for 1st place in the all-city kick-boxing tournament. And no points off for scuffed tennies, girls!

Gloria Steinem, Brownie

2009-05-23T05:45:00.001-07:00

Even as a pre-Girl Scout, Steinem demonstrates that some fish do not need a bicycle.

Stalin, Photobomber

2009-05-23T05:36:00.000-07:00

It's always all about him, isn't it?

Young Stalin

2009-05-23T05:12:00.000-07:00

Already one can see the man who would become Russia's Man of Steel.