Billie Jean

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Billie Jean

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Billie Jean

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one

But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

The Bee's Knees

Offering proof, were it needed, that the bee's knees has an asymptotic limit, or may reflect a more simple supply-demand function.

Sometimes two is too many.

Happy Easter

A moment later, she was gone.

Their Greatest Hits

Now available in stores, the song stylings of Geraldine and her sweatered puppet Ricky. She has a lovely voice and her ventriloquist duets are sublime.

My personal favorites are their versions of "Mockingbird" and "Afternoon Delight". You'll think he's alive. Really.

Rip Van Winkle's Tattoos

And when Rip Van Winkle finally woke up twenty years later, he rubbed his eyes and saw that he was covered in tattoos from head to toe. But little did he know that fashions in the glen had changed so dramatically from earlier times.

No longer were skulls and dragons and fire and buxom babes the pride of men and ladies alike, but instead the text from favorite quotes, long speeches, and even entire books were now preferred. Oddly, all were done in Comic Sans font.

Starting on his forehead, and cascading to his toes, were inscribed in multicolor hues the The Beatles biography, complete with song lyrics.

Only on discovering where the footnotes were placed did his senses become overpowered, and soon he was tempted to imbibe the draught; and though he reiterated his visits to the flagon often, he quaffed the liquor in profound silence. "Who are 'the Beatles'?", he wondered.

The Age of Aquarius

The chief astrologer for Belgium's Alternative Medicine Division soon found that Kimberley Vlaeminck's tattoos served as an able and handy reference.

The fate of Apollo 13

James A. Lovell, Mission Commander of Apollo 13 , recently recalled an altercation with  Command Module Pilot John L. Swigert, Jr during the dramatic 1970 space flight. Said Lovell,

"About a day into the mission, Swigert started eyeing me strangely. You know, licking his lips and all. Finally I asked him what the hell was wrong, was he sick or something? For about 10 minutes he just kept saying "mmmmmmm ....pancakes".  

He didn't stop until I hit him with my helmet.  I'd forgotten all about it because of the loss of the oxygen and all on the second day.  We never spoke about it since.  But I still won't sit next to him at reunion functions.  No way."

It finally dawned on her.

Mrs. Reagan finally realized it.  

"Oh my God. My astrologer warned me about this. It's Lillith!

Help.

Me. 

Pleeeease."

At the Civic Center this week

The Butter Pat Association will be meeting at the Rochester Civic center main auditorium this week, from Wednesday through Friday. 

Scheduled talks include: 

• Foil wrappings: Savior or menace?
  
• New developments in butter pat patters
  
• Shaped butter pats: not just for kids!
  

Visitors welcome.

Sample butter pats available.

Handbaskets in Hell

Hell has many convenient handbaskets available for going there.

In assorted colors.

Boredom now Mechanized

This High Precision Boring Machine is the latest advancement in boredom.  It completely automates the production of boring speeches, sermons, and books.  A generic 'default bore' makes for ready use, but it can also be personalized.  Recent updates include the ability to adopt the boring traits of prominent speakers and writers.  The "Al Gore" template is especially effective when combined with PowerPoint.

Currently on sale for $2,198.

New in Children's Gifts

For that next children's birthday party, consider the excitement of an exotic pet.  A seven year old girl would love to have an armadillo of her very own. Cuddly and playful, armadillos enjoy being dressed up, and can be taken for walks, just like a dog.   They don't bite, but have a curious tendency to burst into flames when exposed to classical music. 

Prices vary, but expect to pay around $3 or $4 for a younger one, a little more if it has all its limbs.

Ask Mr. Fix-It

Repairing a desk lamp can be tricky. Remove the jar and base, taking care to avoid the blades.  Turn the drive stud one quarter turn counter-clockwise, and disconnect the seal.   Discard any wires or pieces that do not seem essential. Randomly place black electrical tape around various metal parts.  Repeatedly press the Multispeed switch buttons. Now, replace the jar and base. 

Screw in a new light bulb, and you're ready to go!

Religions of the World

The Austrian-based sect known as The Frumptastics has remained with its original five members, pictured here.  Their core belief centers on the divine value of long-running Broadway plays, all sung in Gregorian chant style.  Their production of CATS closed recently after a two-week run.  A spartan version of RENT is currently in the works.

Teach your children well

"See? The blood comes right out!  Now to hide the remains."

Shocking statistic

According to a recent study, more than half of this chart is yellow, while almost one-third is green.  Puzzled scientists have blamed global warming.

New in Children's Books

From "The Maloctopus Under the Bed"

page 32

and just before it swallowed Timmy whole, the big blue maloctopus whispered, "After I finsih with you, I'm coming to get whoever is reading this."

The End.

"Proud non-reader" Kanye West turns author

Rapper Kanye West does not read books but he has written one.  This is a small collection of his sayings, or "Kanye-isms," just topping 50 pages, counting a few blank ones. Examples from the book Thank You and You're Welcome include:

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed."

"My music isn't just music - it's medicine."

"The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible? "

"“I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go… I’m like a machine. I’m a robot. "

"I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"

“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”

"My misery is your pleasure.”

“Due to what has happened so severely when the red shoes hit the runway, I was forced to change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr. Address me as such”

Price $12.95.  No refunds.