Wednesday, July 8, 2009

How to use a baby balloon.

Once you have fully inflated the infant, attach the string and let it slowly float upward.

Try holding two or three at a time for effect.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Billie Jean

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Billie Jean

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Billie Jean

Billie Jean is not my lover
She's just a girl who claims that I am the one
But the kid is not my son
She says I am the one, but the kid is not my son

Thursday, June 25, 2009

The Bee's Knees

Offering proof, were it needed, that the bee's knees has an asymptotic limit, or may reflect a more simple supply-demand function.

Sometimes two is too many.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Happy Easter

A moment later, she was gone.

Their Greatest Hits

Now available in stores, the song stylings of Geraldine and her sweatered puppet Ricky. She has a lovely voice and her ventriloquist duets are sublime.

My personal favorites are their versions of "Mockingbird" and "Afternoon Delight". You'll think he's alive. Really.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Rip Van Winkle's Tattoos

And when Rip Van Winkle finally woke up twenty years later, he rubbed his eyes and saw that he was covered in tattoos from head to toe. But little did he know that fashions in the glen had changed so dramatically from earlier times.

No longer were skulls and dragons and fire and buxom babes the pride of men and ladies alike, but instead the text from favorite quotes, long speeches, and even entire books were now preferred. Oddly, all were done in Comic Sans font.

Starting on his forehead, and cascading to his toes, were inscribed in multicolor hues the The Beatles biography, complete with song lyrics.

Only on discovering where the footnotes were placed did his senses become overpowered, and soon he was tempted to imbibe the draught; and though he reiterated his visits to the flagon often, he quaffed the liquor in profound silence. "Who are
'the Beatles'?", he wondered.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The Age of Aquarius

The chief astrologer for Belgium's Alternative Medicine Division soon found that Kimberley Vlaeminck's tattoos served as an able and handy reference.

Friday, June 5, 2009

The fate of Apollo 13

James A. Lovell, Mission Commander of Apollo 13 , recently recalled an altercation with  Command Module Pilot John L. Swigert, Jr during the dramatic 1970 space flight. Said Lovell,
"About a day into the mission, Swigert started eyeing me strangely. You know, licking his lips and all. Finally I asked him what the hell was wrong, was he sick or something? For about 10 minutes he just kept saying "mmmmmmm ....pancakes".  

He didn't stop until I hit him with my helmet.  I'd forgotten all about it because of the loss of the oxygen and all on the second day.  We never spoke about it since.  But I still won't sit next to him at reunion functions.  No way."

Thursday, June 4, 2009

It finally dawned on her.

Mrs. Reagan finally realized it.  
"Oh my God. My astrologer warned me about this. It's Lillith!


Monday, June 1, 2009

At the Civic Center this week

The Butter Pat Association will be meeting at the Rochester Civic center main auditorium this week, from Wednesday through Friday. 

Scheduled talks include: 
  • Foil wrappings: Savior or menace?
  • New developments in butter pat patters
  • Shaped butter pats: not just for kids!

Visitors welcome.
Sample butter pats available.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Handbaskets in Hell

Hell has many convenient handbaskets available for going there.

In assorted colors.

Boredom now Mechanized

This High Precision Boring Machine is the latest advancement in boredom.  It completely automates the production of boring speeches, sermons, and books.  A generic 'default bore' makes for ready use, but it can also be personalized.  Recent updates include the ability to adopt the boring traits of prominent speakers and writers.  The "Al Gore" template is especially effective when combined with PowerPoint.

Currently on sale for $2,198.

New in Children's Gifts

For that next children's birthday party, consider the excitement of an exotic pet.  A seven year old girl would love to have an armadillo of her very own. Cuddly and playful, armadillos enjoy being dressed up, and can be taken for walks, just like a dog.   They don't bite, but have a curious tendency to burst into flames when exposed to classical music. 

Prices vary, but expect to pay around $3 or $4 for a younger one, a little more if it has all its limbs.

Ask Mr. Fix-It

Repairing a desk lamp can be tricky. Remove the jar and base, taking care to avoid the blades.  Turn the drive stud one quarter turn counter-clockwise, and disconnect the seal.   Discard any wires or pieces that do not seem essential. Randomly place black electrical tape around various metal parts.  Repeatedly press the Multispeed switch buttons. Now, replace the jar and base. 

Screw in a new light bulb, and you're ready to go!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Religions of the World

The Austrian-based sect known as The Frumptastics has remained with its original five members, pictured here.  Their core belief centers on the divine value of long-running Broadway plays, all sung in Gregorian chant style.  Their production of CATS closed recently after a two-week run.  A spartan version of RENT is currently in the works.

Teach your children well

"See? The blood comes right out!  Now to hide the remains."

Shocking statistic

According to a recent study, more than half of this chart is yellow, while almost one-third is green.  Puzzled scientists have blamed global warming.

New in Children's Books

From "The Maloctopus Under the Bed"

page 32

and just before it swallowed Timmy whole, the big blue maloctopus whispered, "After I finsih with you, I'm coming to get whoever is reading this."

The End.

"Proud non-reader" Kanye West turns author

Rapper Kanye West does not read books but he has written one.  This is a small collection of his sayings, or "Kanye-isms," just topping 50 pages, counting a few blank ones. Examples from the book Thank You and You're Welcome include:

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed."
"My music isn't just music - it's medicine."
"The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible? "
"“I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go… I’m like a machine. I’m a robot. "
"I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"
“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
"My misery is your pleasure.”
“Due to what has happened so severely when the red shoes hit the runway, I was forced to change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr. Address me as such”

Price $12.95.  No refunds.

Motorcycle charity ride planned

The Ronald McDonald transplant house announced its 7th annual Motorcycle Charity Ride for Liver Transplants, on June 22nd.

Donor cards will be available.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

City Council replaced by sixth graders, unnoticed

On September 22, 2008, sixth graders at Ethel Rosenberg Grade School took over the Rochester City Council chambers for Youth Legislature Day.  Due to a snafu, the real City Council never resumed their seats, and the sixth graders continued to preside.  This went undiscovered until February 2009, during the Governor's visit to the city.  

Interestingly, during their tenure, taxes were reduced, a labor dispute was resolved, and a developer's lawsuit was averted.  Acting City Council President Emma Suledant, 11, said, "Plus, we had cookies at every meeting. With sprinkles."

Gardening Tips

A goat can be an eco-friendly alternative to a lawn mower, although teaching it to drive is tricky.  However,  they often simply refuse to use walk-behind mowers, even the self-propelled type, due to trouble pulling the starter.

Hitler, photobomber

Unable to avoid inserting himself into every possible situation, Adolf here wrecks a children's birthday party photograph.

Religions Across the World

The Church of Walt  is a rare pagan sect located primarily in Florida and parts of California, the site of two meagachurches. Worship services elsewhere are often conducted in private homes. The core belief is that a rodent came to existence in 1928 in order to bring wholesome family fun to the middle class.  

Church members often dress like their favorite saints, as pictured above, or wear their images on t-shirts and watches.  An early prophet, Oswald, is largely forgotten, and considered by some adherents the anti-Mouse. At both megachurches, children are initiated through several mechanized lessons, such as giant tea cups that rotate, the lesson of which is "it's a small world after all."

Ask Mr. Fix-It

Q. How do I fix a broken computer DVD drive?

A. First, remove the DVD drive with a pliers and crowbar. Place the new DVD  drive grommet into the anvil hole and add the grommet washer over it. Next, strike it with a small hammer, but not too hard! Place the DVD back into the PC. Use super glue if you have damaged any of the internal plastic tabs.

Now you're ready to watch movies again on the PC!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Ask Mr. Ask-It Man

Mr. Ask-It ManWhat do I do if my neighbors are shooting death rays at me?

1) Call the cops.

2) Find some alumnium foil. 

Send your questions to "Mr. Ask-It Man" care of this blog.

New Supreme Court Justice?

With the upcoming reitrement of Justice Souter (front and second from left),  speculation about his replacement was confirmed today with the nomination of wise latino golfer Lee Trevino. 

Discovery near Custer, South Dakota

While rock climbing in South Dakota, Ramon Harper and friends made a dramatic discovery. Rapelling down the side of a hill in the Badlands, they were astonished to find themselves on a massive ancient stone carving, previously unknown to the world. There appeared to be four such heads, indicating extensive and complex stone work. 

Although there have been rumours of this giant carving going back decades, this sculpture was largely lost to the world until now.

Gardening Tips

Today's Gardening tip comes from Valerie in Bloomington:

Valerie writes: "For dealing with a garden zombie infestation, a large spade to the head is often all that you need, but for the larger or more aggressive zombies, a revolver or automatic pistol is better.  Be prepared to unload an entire clip, and remember to aim for the brain.

Take care to re-bury the zombie in the same spot it arose, or else a big depression is left, which can be hard to fill in."

Send your gardening tips care of this blog.

Physics, final exam

A photon has 
 J of energy. Planck’s constant, h, is  J · s. The frequency of the photon is most nearly:
(A) Hz 
(B)  Hz 
(C) Go to hell.
(D) OMG, I forgot to study!!11!!!!1!
(E) Isn't this Algebra II? 

English test

To Kill A Mockingbird, final exam

17.   When Scout says "One time he said you never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them. Just standing on the Radley porch was enough", She means:

a) He's a nice guy, murdering Bob Ewell and all, but damn, get off that porch!
b) Boo Radley had nice shoes.
c) She has at last ssumed another person's perspective sympathetically.
d) I didn't get this far in the book.

Things to Do After The Murder

Not in any specific order, mind you.

Local Events

The 15th Annual Charity basketball game got off to a slow start as the Rochester Police team refused to field only five players, but the Women's Jaycees took advantage of the delay and managed to put in 22 points before the policemen even began playing defense.

The final score was 72-22, however, Police prevailing.  After the starting five Jaycee women were arrested for unnamed offenses, the ladies did not score a further point.

Religions Across the World

Judas, front left, always preferred white at Roman crucifixions.  Peter, right, denied knowing anything about anything.

New in Children's Books

page 18

And the very next day, Star Baby was loaded into the rocket and shot into space, never to be seen again.   He was not, in fact, Superman, as his Mommy and Daddy had hoped, but just a normal baby.  Just like his previous sister, Mermaid Baby.  

After about a month, his room was painted over and turned into a study.

The End

Modern Man

  Mr. Hammersmith contemplates his ceiling fish and wonders, "Where have I gone wrong?"

Zen and the Art of Basketball Playing

The members of Hempfield's 5th grade basketball squad, shown here in happier times, was arrested for a third time this season for various drug offenses.  Once again caught selling marijuana during half time, the boys were rounded up and taken to Juvenile Hall in a van.  

The game unfinished, rival ballers from Concrete County were awarded the win, but were also arrested for making illegal purchases.  Coach Arlen Rollyerone quipped, "We may never win, but we always have the high score." 

The Origins of Everyday Items

The original electric razors were based on the cutting abilities of broken glass, which had unfortunate outcomes for early adopters of this novel concept.  Widespread recalls and mounting legal bills shelved the endeavor until the modern idea for a foil cover over layered metal bands came into use.

Business Management Tips

Dealing with office malcontents, passive-aggressives, sociopaths, and assholes can be among the biggest challenges that managment faces.  This new book by managment guru Peter Drucker is just the thing to improve your results with the difficult employee. 

The Origins of Everyday Items

"The inital design for Viagra was pretty much a failure," said Pfizer spokesman Leet Kroner. "It took another 25 years of research to perfect it."  Pictured here is lead investigator Dr. Ralph Priapism, demonstrating early results.

New Diet: Laughter Sheds Excess Pounds

Velma Whitworth, 58, of rural Chasooga, reported a dramatic 789 pound weight loss over the course of two years, all from laughing. "I laugh all day", she told reporters, as her husband scowled mournfully in the distance, "mostly at him." 

Asked for comment, Mr. Alvin Whitworth added, "She don't tell ya she lost all that altogether. She done gained back 822 pounds in all. She may be laughin', but...."  Following a brief scuffle, Mr. Whitworth was treated in the Mercy Emergency Room for lacerations to the scalp. The reporters were uninjured.  

Velma, currently released on her own recognizance, will be addressing the Chasooga Ladies Auxiliary about her remarkable new diet.

Monday, May 25, 2009

New feminist James Bond Thriller

Are Women Human?, is a new James Bond thriller by feminist author Catharine A. MacKinnon.

"M," head of the British Diversity Service, hands Bond what appears on the surface to be a posh assignment: thwarting an enemy Russian spy, Le Chiffre, in his attempt to revitalize the misogynist European culture by the De-Ovulator, a device that inverts queer theory through a postmodern laser, thereby lowering awareness of textuality, feminist pedagogy, and women's way of knowing, undoing decades of feminist progress.  Bond intervenes, in his continuing efforts to to disrupt the functioning of hegemonic masculinity.

The Hotel Carlton, staff photo

Rochester's Hotel Carlton is famous for being staffed entirely by second-graders. From carrying luggage to prompt maid service, these seven and eight-year-olds are the model of efficiency.

This year, they boast David, Daryl,  Dan, Derek, and Bill Lorax,  identical quintuplets from  Olmsted county's recent controversial state mental hospital experiments. 

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