Friday, May 29, 2009

Handbaskets in Hell

Hell has many convenient handbaskets available for going there.

In assorted colors.

Boredom now Mechanized

This High Precision Boring Machine is the latest advancement in boredom.  It completely automates the production of boring speeches, sermons, and books.  A generic 'default bore' makes for ready use, but it can also be personalized.  Recent updates include the ability to adopt the boring traits of prominent speakers and writers.  The "Al Gore" template is especially effective when combined with PowerPoint.

Currently on sale for $2,198.

New in Children's Gifts

For that next children's birthday party, consider the excitement of an exotic pet.  A seven year old girl would love to have an armadillo of her very own. Cuddly and playful, armadillos enjoy being dressed up, and can be taken for walks, just like a dog.   They don't bite, but have a curious tendency to burst into flames when exposed to classical music. 

Prices vary, but expect to pay around $3 or $4 for a younger one, a little more if it has all its limbs.

Ask Mr. Fix-It

Repairing a desk lamp can be tricky. Remove the jar and base, taking care to avoid the blades.  Turn the drive stud one quarter turn counter-clockwise, and disconnect the seal.   Discard any wires or pieces that do not seem essential. Randomly place black electrical tape around various metal parts.  Repeatedly press the Multispeed switch buttons. Now, replace the jar and base. 

Screw in a new light bulb, and you're ready to go!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Religions of the World

The Austrian-based sect known as The Frumptastics has remained with its original five members, pictured here.  Their core belief centers on the divine value of long-running Broadway plays, all sung in Gregorian chant style.  Their production of CATS closed recently after a two-week run.  A spartan version of RENT is currently in the works.

Teach your children well

"See? The blood comes right out!  Now to hide the remains."

Shocking statistic

According to a recent study, more than half of this chart is yellow, while almost one-third is green.  Puzzled scientists have blamed global warming.

New in Children's Books

From "The Maloctopus Under the Bed"

page 32

and just before it swallowed Timmy whole, the big blue maloctopus whispered, "After I finsih with you, I'm coming to get whoever is reading this."

The End.

"Proud non-reader" Kanye West turns author

Rapper Kanye West does not read books but he has written one.  This is a small collection of his sayings, or "Kanye-isms," just topping 50 pages, counting a few blank ones. Examples from the book Thank You and You're Welcome include:

"Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed."
"My music isn't just music - it's medicine."
"The Bible had 20, 30, 40, 50 characters in it. You don’t think that I would be one of the characters of today’s modern Bible? "
"“I’m doing pretty good as far as geniuses go… I’m like a machine. I’m a robot. "
"I'm typing so fucking hard I might break my fucking Mac book Air!!!!!!!!"
“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
"My misery is your pleasure.”
“Due to what has happened so severely when the red shoes hit the runway, I was forced to change my name to Martin Louis the King Jr. Address me as such”

Price $12.95.  No refunds.

Motorcycle charity ride planned

The Ronald McDonald transplant house announced its 7th annual Motorcycle Charity Ride for Liver Transplants, on June 22nd.

Donor cards will be available.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

City Council replaced by sixth graders, unnoticed

On September 22, 2008, sixth graders at Ethel Rosenberg Grade School took over the Rochester City Council chambers for Youth Legislature Day.  Due to a snafu, the real City Council never resumed their seats, and the sixth graders continued to preside.  This went undiscovered until February 2009, during the Governor's visit to the city.  

Interestingly, during their tenure, taxes were reduced, a labor dispute was resolved, and a developer's lawsuit was averted.  Acting City Council President Emma Suledant, 11, said, "Plus, we had cookies at every meeting. With sprinkles."

Gardening Tips

A goat can be an eco-friendly alternative to a lawn mower, although teaching it to drive is tricky.  However,  they often simply refuse to use walk-behind mowers, even the self-propelled type, due to trouble pulling the starter.

Hitler, photobomber

Unable to avoid inserting himself into every possible situation, Adolf here wrecks a children's birthday party photograph.

Religions Across the World

The Church of Walt  is a rare pagan sect located primarily in Florida and parts of California, the site of two meagachurches. Worship services elsewhere are often conducted in private homes. The core belief is that a rodent came to existence in 1928 in order to bring wholesome family fun to the middle class.  

Church members often dress like their favorite saints, as pictured above, or wear their images on t-shirts and watches.  An early prophet, Oswald, is largely forgotten, and considered by some adherents the anti-Mouse. At both megachurches, children are initiated through several mechanized lessons, such as giant tea cups that rotate, the lesson of which is "it's a small world after all."

Ask Mr. Fix-It

Q. How do I fix a broken computer DVD drive?

A. First, remove the DVD drive with a pliers and crowbar. Place the new DVD  drive grommet into the anvil hole and add the grommet washer over it. Next, strike it with a small hammer, but not too hard! Place the DVD back into the PC. Use super glue if you have damaged any of the internal plastic tabs.

Now you're ready to watch movies again on the PC!

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Ask Mr. Ask-It Man

Mr. Ask-It ManWhat do I do if my neighbors are shooting death rays at me?

1) Call the cops.

2) Find some alumnium foil. 

Send your questions to "Mr. Ask-It Man" care of this blog.

New Supreme Court Justice?

With the upcoming reitrement of Justice Souter (front and second from left),  speculation about his replacement was confirmed today with the nomination of wise latino golfer Lee Trevino. 

Discovery near Custer, South Dakota

While rock climbing in South Dakota, Ramon Harper and friends made a dramatic discovery. Rapelling down the side of a hill in the Badlands, they were astonished to find themselves on a massive ancient stone carving, previously unknown to the world. There appeared to be four such heads, indicating extensive and complex stone work. 

Although there have been rumours of this giant carving going back decades, this sculpture was largely lost to the world until now.

Gardening Tips

Today's Gardening tip comes from Valerie in Bloomington:

Valerie writes: "For dealing with a garden zombie infestation, a large spade to the head is often all that you need, but for the larger or more aggressive zombies, a revolver or automatic pistol is better.  Be prepared to unload an entire clip, and remember to aim for the brain.

Take care to re-bury the zombie in the same spot it arose, or else a big depression is left, which can be hard to fill in."

Send your gardening tips care of this blog.

Physics, final exam

A photon has 
 J of energy. Planck’s constant, h, is  J · s. The frequency of the photon is most nearly:
(A) Hz 
(B)  Hz 
(C) Go to hell.
(D) OMG, I forgot to study!!11!!!!1!
(E) Isn't this Algebra II? 

English test

To Kill A Mockingbird, final exam

17.   When Scout says "One time he said you never really know a man until you stand in his shoes and walk around in them. Just standing on the Radley porch was enough", She means:

a) He's a nice guy, murdering Bob Ewell and all, but damn, get off that porch!
b) Boo Radley had nice shoes.
c) She has at last ssumed another person's perspective sympathetically.
d) I didn't get this far in the book.

Things to Do After The Murder

Not in any specific order, mind you.

Local Events

The 15th Annual Charity basketball game got off to a slow start as the Rochester Police team refused to field only five players, but the Women's Jaycees took advantage of the delay and managed to put in 22 points before the policemen even began playing defense.

The final score was 72-22, however, Police prevailing.  After the starting five Jaycee women were arrested for unnamed offenses, the ladies did not score a further point.

Religions Across the World

Judas, front left, always preferred white at Roman crucifixions.  Peter, right, denied knowing anything about anything.

New in Children's Books

page 18

And the very next day, Star Baby was loaded into the rocket and shot into space, never to be seen again.   He was not, in fact, Superman, as his Mommy and Daddy had hoped, but just a normal baby.  Just like his previous sister, Mermaid Baby.  

After about a month, his room was painted over and turned into a study.

The End

Modern Man

  Mr. Hammersmith contemplates his ceiling fish and wonders, "Where have I gone wrong?"

Zen and the Art of Basketball Playing

The members of Hempfield's 5th grade basketball squad, shown here in happier times, was arrested for a third time this season for various drug offenses.  Once again caught selling marijuana during half time, the boys were rounded up and taken to Juvenile Hall in a van.  

The game unfinished, rival ballers from Concrete County were awarded the win, but were also arrested for making illegal purchases.  Coach Arlen Rollyerone quipped, "We may never win, but we always have the high score." 

The Origins of Everyday Items

The original electric razors were based on the cutting abilities of broken glass, which had unfortunate outcomes for early adopters of this novel concept.  Widespread recalls and mounting legal bills shelved the endeavor until the modern idea for a foil cover over layered metal bands came into use.

Business Management Tips

Dealing with office malcontents, passive-aggressives, sociopaths, and assholes can be among the biggest challenges that managment faces.  This new book by managment guru Peter Drucker is just the thing to improve your results with the difficult employee. 

The Origins of Everyday Items

"The inital design for Viagra was pretty much a failure," said Pfizer spokesman Leet Kroner. "It took another 25 years of research to perfect it."  Pictured here is lead investigator Dr. Ralph Priapism, demonstrating early results.

New Diet: Laughter Sheds Excess Pounds

Velma Whitworth, 58, of rural Chasooga, reported a dramatic 789 pound weight loss over the course of two years, all from laughing. "I laugh all day", she told reporters, as her husband scowled mournfully in the distance, "mostly at him." 

Asked for comment, Mr. Alvin Whitworth added, "She don't tell ya she lost all that altogether. She done gained back 822 pounds in all. She may be laughin', but...."  Following a brief scuffle, Mr. Whitworth was treated in the Mercy Emergency Room for lacerations to the scalp. The reporters were uninjured.  

Velma, currently released on her own recognizance, will be addressing the Chasooga Ladies Auxiliary about her remarkable new diet.

Monday, May 25, 2009

New feminist James Bond Thriller

Are Women Human?, is a new James Bond thriller by feminist author Catharine A. MacKinnon.

"M," head of the British Diversity Service, hands Bond what appears on the surface to be a posh assignment: thwarting an enemy Russian spy, Le Chiffre, in his attempt to revitalize the misogynist European culture by the De-Ovulator, a device that inverts queer theory through a postmodern laser, thereby lowering awareness of textuality, feminist pedagogy, and women's way of knowing, undoing decades of feminist progress.  Bond intervenes, in his continuing efforts to to disrupt the functioning of hegemonic masculinity.

The Hotel Carlton, staff photo

Rochester's Hotel Carlton is famous for being staffed entirely by second-graders. From carrying luggage to prompt maid service, these seven and eight-year-olds are the model of efficiency.

This year, they boast David, Daryl,  Dan, Derek, and Bill Lorax,  identical quintuplets from  Olmsted county's recent controversial state mental hospital experiments. 

Business Management Tips

When firing large groups of people, get straight to the point.

Here we see the CEO informing the divisional leaders of the layoff strategy at McWhirter Abcess, Inc.   For employees who still don't get the picture, it is advised to sneak up on the worker and use chloroform.  Once they are unconscious, they can be pulled out to the street and left at the curb, or placed immediately into the shredder. The latter choice offers secondary savings from reduced paperwork.  They can simply be recorded as "missing".

Band Camp at Cardiac Medical High School

The 2005 Cardiac High School Band Camp.

Cardiac High is the first Medical School for teenagers in the nation.  All band instruments are made from surgical tools, medical waste, and autopsy remains.  Said participant Sheila Halfbreed, "This year was more fun, because we didn't have to do the actual autopsies ourselves. I still have the flute I made from the maxillary sinuses last year, though. It's got a great sound."

The Cardiac High band performs at all JV football games. Attendees are asked to bring their own masks.

New Kid's Books at the Public Library

Added to the children's section at the Rochester library is "Hell", by Cathy Void, a tale of lust, revenge, and arson among an evil clique of first-graders.  Chosen as the 2007 Newberry Award winner for Diversity selections, "Hell" has been hailed as an "instant classic" by the Nation and the Minneapolis Star Tribune.

Bad Ideas

New this fall!

Father O'Leary's boy's boxers and underpants.

For that Catholic feel .

All sizes.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

2007 Distribution of Belief in "Tabitha the Goddess of Clean Socks"

Compiled by the US Department of Approved Belief Systems, sec. 307c

Sven's Tale, Page 22

Even though he was grateful for the help of the Rabbit, the Swan, and the Bear in defeating the Evil Wood Troll, Sven carved them all into small pieces and returned home to feed his wife and three children.

The End.

Free on Bail

John Swenson, pictured here, was mistakenly arrested Friday as part of the recent Rochester Prostitution Task Force sting operation.   His inflatable massage chair was erroneously thought to be a prostitute.  Swenson, out on $10,000 bond, had initially admitted guilt. Informed that charges were to be fully dismissed next week, he said, "I can fully understand the mistake. It's a really comfortable chair."

Broken glass jello

Helen McClay of northern Bueller county was detained briefly for questioning following the unfortunate results from her donation to the St. Francis Fall Festival dessert table.  The five affected parishioners are expected to recover fully.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Socialist Realism

Translation:  I Dreamed I Fought the Capitalists in My Maidenform Bra.

The Rochester MN elite Parking Task Force rushes to the scene, where a parking meter with  a 1984 Volvo 245 DL was found to have just turned to the red "expired" flag.

Within 30 seconds of the violation, the crack squad was on the case. Here, they are just about to throw surprised car owner Betsy Newberg to the ground as she hurriedly attempts to feed the meter her last few quarters. Said PTF Division chief Dent Moford, "Parking is essential to public safety."

Not just heartburn, either

Dolf Tendgren, electrical inspector and part-time lounge singer, just moments before bursting into flames in the county's sixth case of Spontaneous Human Combustion.  He had in fact sensed something was horribly wrong, but mistakenly thought he had merely left the garage door open.

North Dakota, just before the Great Divide

Seconds after touching the two wires together, young Philip Madison braces for the impending blast that will split North Dakota into six equally divided sections, which he will rule with an iron fist.  North East Dakota, commonly called Permafrost, became the new government's center for six years, but was abandoned entirely after the silo sex scandal of 2029.  

Soon to be inseparable

Elise and Dagmar Sobieski will be the world's first fraternal twins to undergo a controversial new surgical procedure making them into conjoined twins.  In the process, they will be sewn together at the abdomen, and one liver will be removed, at considerable risk.

Said Brigham and Women's head surgeon Cooper Dalrymple, "It's a living".

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